how to deal with tantrums

[jennie hickox]

ok, so i get home from work tonight. . . i have already blown off the office xmas party for kids where a fake santa and elf come and give the kids presents they don't want. I was all ready to go but my kids totally objected to going. So I resigned to hte fact that I would not go for the first time in 6 years. Then I get home at 6. . . there is a postcard telling my older son that there is a church thing for kids his age. . . he had gone with a friend last month and had a blast!! but, it was 6pm and no one had eaten so i said no, there wasn't enough time to get there. I said if his friend was going, he could hitch a ride with him and i would pick up but that was not an option for some unknown reason. I should also mention that we are not a member of this church, i have never been there, don't know anyone who goes, ya da ya da. . . you know the drill . . .so i told him i promised to take him next time if we had more notice and i could stay and "check it out". TOTAL TANTRUM ENSUES. . . STILL GOING ON. . . BANNED TO HIS ROOM BUT SCREAMING THAT HE HATES ME, I DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR HIM, I MUST NOT CARE ABOUT HIM. . . i'm sure you have heard it all before. Here are my heart strings:
1. not a member of any church and fact he is enthusiastic about this one, makes me glad
2. he does have not much to do with all his sports being over.
3. i work, therefore, spontaneity is not my strong suit.
4. he is screaming and crying and I just want to hug him.

This GEM (am i really?) is making him stay in his room as punishment for his horrid behavior but I must admit, I am horrible at these things. . . .I am too mucshy and only want everyone to be happy. If my husband were here, there would be lots of yelling and severe punishment, but guilt prevents me from doing that. That, and I remember when I was 11 and REALLY wanted to do something and my mom saying NO and how i felt. . . now he is saying he doesn't need me for anything, that he can do everything for himself. Oi Vey

[Rene Syler]

Oh Jeez Jennie.. that sucks.. but I say STICK TO YOUR GUNS on this one.. and here's why. If you give in now, you only increase the odds that the next time he wants something and you say no, this behavior will rear it's ugly head. Its the same as Pavlov's dogs, remember from psychology? Each time the bell would ring the dogs ate. Pretty soon they started salivating at the sound of the bell. It's known as classical conditioning. Same with your son. If he knows this works, he WILL do it again.
I had a similiar case last night. Cole wanted to go to GameStop to get a video game. I said no Christmas is three weeks away. He pouted ALL NIGHT LONG and pitched a fit, crying and whatnot.. and you know what I did? IGNORED HIM. He was tired and irritable so I knew it would pass.. and it did..

I would make a deal with your son that he can go next week but explain to him what you said to us which is that because you work hard, spontaneity is tough.. He's old enough to do a little planning.

Hang in there.. this too shall pass

[Kathy L]

I agree with Rene. We all have to draw the line somewhere, but it is painful to see our kids so upset. You'll be happy you did this when he's a couple years older and the stakes are higher. Just so you know, my almost 11 yo daughter actually sits on the front step with her thumb up when she's mad at me. Fortunately, we live at the end of a very long road and their isn't a great chance she will actually get a ride;-)! Hang in there!

[Rene Syler]

thumb beats middle finger anyday!

[Kathy L]

I'm waiting for that any day!

[Rene Syler]

hahahahha

[Cindi]

See, since I am old enough to be your mom Jennie, I am seeing another side of this, and of course, writing is harder than saying, but... You start off with telling us that you are upset because you missed this party for the first time in 6 years.That tells me a couple of things, your son is growing up and is not into the stuff that makes him your baby any longer, right? Tough inside to let them grown up a tiny bit. and... you had plans, you were set to go, and didn't get to. So, maybe mom was upset before the other event ever came into play.

So shoot me now.....

Really, I have been there. I was the yeller, my son and I got into several yelling matches over the years. No one wins. I agree with Rene, you did right in dealing with the temper tantrum. But, you can talk to him about the planning. We had a calendar at our house, it was one that goes on the desk. I hung it in the kitchen and told my kids and hubby that if an item was not on the calendar then it did not exist!!! Believe me...they learned at an early age to write everything down. (Now sometimes they were wrting it down at the exact moment it was supposed to start... oh me)

Jennie, hang in there, remind your son you really dislike his behavior but you truly love him no matter what.

[rferraris]

I love your calendar rules! We have one but I think I am the only one that looks at it.

[jennie hickox]

wow, thanks for all the feedback!! Cindi, I think you are right. . . I was upset that they didn't want to go see "fake santa who gives out bad gifts" Can you believe they think ANY gift is bad? Anyway, we were honestly all tired. So, when my husband got home, we all sat in the kitchen and had a long talk about it. Larry explained that we can't send him off to do anything he wants at anytime. . . he put it all in perspective in a calm but firm way. I wish I had that talent! And, he taught my son about cults. Not that this church is one, but we really know NOTHING about it and I do find it a bit strange that a teenage boy would send him a postcard asking him to come. . . without any involvement of his parents - me. So anyway, make a long story short, the storm passed, thanks to my husband who is so good at explaining exactly what I am thinking in a way that an 11 year old can understand. Where would I be without him?

So, now it is Saturday, time for my younger son's basketball game. My husband is making my 11 year old come with us and so another tantrum is brewing. . . I can feel it.

[jackijones]

Sounds like you got it it all worked out. I agree with the others, I deal with tantrums by ignoring them. I'd tell my kids with a straight face when they were little. "Cry in your room". When they were a little older I say things like " I don't speak hysteria. Come down and talk to me when you want to communicate in a language I understand."

It helps when you expect tantrums and disobedience and don't take it personal. I say to friends, change your expectations, but not your behavior. What I mean by that is if you expect them to act out, it won't catch you unprepared when they do. You shouldn't blame yourself, but expect that ALL kids have bad days and times. It's part of the learning process.

About the church thing. I do go to church and often took friends of my kids to their youth programs. A lot of times these kids were from families that didn't go to church, but the parents knew me and my family from the neighborhood or school. If your son really liked it, you can contact the youth pastor for more information. Or better yet, what I would do is go one time and hang out in the back. Since it's probably not cool to have your mom hang out, make a deal with him ahead of time that you won't talk to him or make eye contact while you are there. (wink) But that when it's over you'll be in the car. I don't think it's unusual to send a card to the child and not the parent.(they like to respect the kid's feelings) But they welcome contact from the parents. If he really likes it and you approve, that weeking outing can be a reward for him.