Need help going through a seperation possible divorce with my husband

[Lisa Sanfilippo Arthur]

My husband BFF has moved out after 20 yrs. It's been a very difficult time for my 14yr daughter and me......he wants a divorce....It's just so hard and I know I need to be strong for myself and strong for her...any suggestions......anyone in a similar situation?? I could use some input...............Thanks..........Lisa

[Rene Syler]

Oh Lisa.. I am so sorry to hear this. This is difficult because you obviously have to care for the needs of your daughter but no doubt, are experiencing a host of emotions yourself. If I were you, I would look around your community for a divorce support group. Even though you are not technically divorced, it might be a resource as there would be people there who have been where you are.

In the meantime, I would just caution you to make sure you take care of yourself..

[Lisa Sanfilippo Arthur]

Thanks for your input Renee.....I am trying to be strong, and Kady is very mature for a 14 year old. I truly believe the hardest part is that I have some friends in Florida but, my support is all in Westchester..........I lived in Yorktown Hts for years, my brother is in Briarcliff Manor, parents in White Plains and all my friends are either in Westchester or the City....I am going to try and come up as much as I can.......and keep in contact with my true friends.....

Once again, thanks for your input...but I will look for a support group down here........

[Faun]

If you are employed, you may want to check in to the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) for counseling programs they could link you to for yourself and/or your daughter, just in case you are not comfortable or you not familiar with reputable counselors in your community. You didn't mention that your husband had a substance abuse issue but if for some instance, alcohol, were involved in the picture, Alanon (for yourself) and Alateen (for your daughter) would be some good support groups (and also free) but you would have to check the yellow/white pages in your local community phone book/internet to find out specific meeting times and dates. You may also want to consider confiding in a clergy person, a close friend that you spend activities with outside of your "couples" circle, or a sibling/cousin. Sometimes things reach a crisis mode and if ever that happens, usually you can always report to any emergency room where they have someone who specializes in mental health/emotional crises to talk with as well as a crisis hotline in your town. Also, check out your local newspaper for meetings. You'd be surprised at what you may find out there. I hope some of these suggestions may be helpful.

[Lisa Sanfilippo Arthur]

Thanks for your input Faun, no substance abuse problem, I think we've just grown apart over the years.......I am seeing a therapist and that is helping tremendously and my NY friends have all been supportive along with my family....I just have to stay well and be strong....I appreciate your reply......

[Rene Syler]

Stay strong!

[Deena Pierott]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, I've been there and know how difficult it can be. My two sons were 18 and 9 at the time and what I can tell you is that it gets better over time but right now you're in the fog that doesn't seem to end. It's good that your daughter is mature and you can have honest conversations with her. Right now you need that Soul support from a small gathering of loving and caring friends and hopefully you have that..

[Lisa Sanfilippo Arthur]

Dear Deena,
Thanks for your input, I have somewhat of a support system here in Floriday but, all my true friends are in NY......so I keep in touch with them......I know this to will pass it's just sooooo frustrating in the beginning. Thanks again, Lisa

[Faun]

Three "feel-good" movies I suggest to watch about divorce and/or splitting with spouses with whom you've made your main focus (hence, husband & bff) are Why Did I Get Married?, The First Wives Club, & Waiting To Exhale. At least you and your girlfriends can share a few laughs, yell at the tube a couple of times, and say hoorah for the heroine! Who knows...may boost your self empowerment just a tad or two (smile).

[Lisa Sanfilippo Arthur]

Thanks Faun,
You have been super supportive.....I will rent those tomorrow...Thank you so much for your support I am feeling very alone tonite.........................XXOO lisa

[DawnKA]

Lisa, I am so sorry to hear that you are losing your BFF and your husband. I say BFF first as it must have been that friendship that brought you to marry. As you face the rough periods, reach out and we'll be here to support you as best as we can. Maybe it's time to plan a trip to NYC or some other get away spot in the near future.

[Lisa Sanfilippo Arthur]

Dear Dawn.....I am siiting here at 12:00 am thinking the the same thing....A trip to NY..My daughter is spending the week with her dad and it's so lonely. I hate it..........I sit up all night and am crying now when I think about it..........Thanks for your input...and let's keep in touch..............

[DawnKA]

Lisa, I am so sorry that you had that lonely moment but brace yourself this will be quite an emotional ride. Call your friends (the ones you can confide in and the ones you know will listen and let you vent). Do you have someone close by that you can go to lunch or dinner with - even share dessert while you reclaim your status as Lisa the fun loving person who enjoyed life and plans to continue. In the meantime plan that trip - you need the escape - the laughter and support as you reminisce on the good times.