Tweens/teens and the dreaded sex talk

[Mommy B]

I tried to get this conversation started on another mom network but it never really jumped off. I'd like to see how the Mamas here feel about it.

My parents' approach to the sex talk was basically DON'T DO IT and that was it. I know that approach absolutely did not work for me (I became sexually active as a young teen), so I try to be very available to my 15-year-old daughter for questions, and I also let her know about the mistakes I made at her age.

I feel like the better informed she is, the better the chances are that when a time comes that she is being pressured to have sex or is thinking about doing it, she will be able to make a smart decision or at least have the information needed to keep herself safe and protected.

I'm interested to hear how other tween/teen-Mamas are approaching the sex issue with their daughters (or sons).

[Tracie D. Ivey]

WELL, my son is a tween and this pass summer my friend had a baby so you know what the question he asked how did that happen? So i gave what i thought was an appropiate truthful answer for a ten year old. It still freaked him out (his words) Now this year he is taking a FLEBUS CLASS it stands or family, life something.something, something, something. I can't remember but it boils downto sex education where we the parents have to do the homework with the kids. Which he never brought home and when i asked for it he told me he had it covered but showed it to me anyway and was correct on everything he said he has no questions right now,but I and my husband let him know the door is always open to talk to either one of us and in true 11yr old fashion went back to his video game. All I can do is hope when he has a question he'll remember us

[Mommy B]

I think you have the key right there. He sees that you are willing to give truthful answers and knows that you and your husband are available for questions. That is the most important thing, it seems.
I gave may daughter the appropriate information when she was around 9 or 10 also, and let her know that I was always open for questions. Every once in a while I'll pick up a book that also supplies accurate information in a fun way...something that she can read when she has questions--because even though the door is open, I know she won't always feel comfortable coming to me or her Dad with questions.

[Mommy B]

Just posted my interview with adolescent sex-educator Dr. Karen Rayne. Some helpful advice and straight talk for parents on talking sex with your tween or teen.

[Regina]

I have a 15 year old boy and twin 12 year old girls. For the 12 year girls we have been talking since about age 8 or 9 they came home asking were babies came from. I explained in the best terms i thought of for someone that age and then i got on the internet and showed them babies in the tummies. They were like oh - ok - thats gross. Our pediatrician also talks with them briefly at their yearly check ups. As theyve gotten older our conversations have expanded somewhat to include more details but i try to keep it to what i think they can handle for their maturity. luckily the "sex" thing is still gross at age 12.
The 15 year old boy well its been an adventure to try to have the talk with him (almost impossible to get him to even listen for more than 5 seconds). He is either running out of the room, plugging his ears and screaming LALALALA and absoultely refusing to listen to anything i have to say. Ive left books for him - hes returned them immediately. Ive sent text messages - hes written back "deleted", I even tried trapping him in the car because we were driving somewhere and he literally threatened to open the door and jump so instead of testing it i stopped pushing the subject. I left it at leaving him with some condoms and a letter that explained the basic things and some internet resources. He said he read it, checked the resources and understood and would talk to me if he needed to.

[Mommy B]

Oh man. Your 15-year-old is definitely a challenge. (he wrote back "deleted"...LOL!) I guess it's harder for boys to hear that stuff from their moms, but you are persistent and it sounds like you're getting through. I love that you just never seem to give up. My 15-year-old daughter has been tricky, not quite as tricky as your son, but I still may be stealing some of your techniques.

Part two of my interview with Dr. Rayne is posted today and she actually talks about how hard it is to talk to an older child.

[Rene Syler]

good deal, i think.. I can see where it might be tough for boys to hear it from moms.. but I totally think you did the right thing.
PS Love that you tried to trap him in the car, LOL

[Beth Bellor]

We try to provide as much information as we can. "Don't" is no answer. We let them know what we hope for them, but we know realistically that some bad decisions and heartbreak are at least possible, if not likely. We offer them lots of medical information and try to get them to consider others' feelings.

Take any chances you get from TV, music, school gossip etc. to add to the discussion. My daughter loves "Secret Life of the American Teenager." Even more helpful have been pregnancy scares and scandalous behavior at school. Why do people think B is a slut? Do you think so too? What makes you so sure that guy is telling the truth? etc.

[Mommy B]

My daughter just introduced me to "Secret Life of an American Teenager", Love it in this house also. It's a great show for sparking discussion.

[Rene Syler]

I am going to have to check that out. I'm sure it's online, no?

[Mommy B]

Gotta be online somewhere. When in doubt, check You Tube. Everything under the sun is on You Tube ;-D

[Rene Syler]

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH YOUR APPROACH!! I think the fear is that talking about it tempts them. I believe it is just the opposite. I have been talking to my kids about sex since they were old enough to ask about it. I give them age-appropriate information and answer their questions in a straight forward fashion. I do not give them more than they want or need. At the end of the conversation I ask, " Did I answer that? Do you have anymore questions" they say no and then I say, " Listen, You can always come to me for straight info.. about ANYTHING". They get that. Example, the other day, my son, who turns 11 in 2 weeks, told me he had entered puberty. I said " How do you know, buddy?" He said " because I have hair down there" Now his dad was in the room, but he whispered it in my ear. Mind you he probably has three little hairs but that was enough.
But it opened the door for more conversation. So I mentioned to him that hair was just one sign of puberty. I told him that his voice would get lower and that his testicles would drop. I asked him if he knew what a wet dream was ( I did not use the medical term because heck, I cannot remember it myself, LOL). He said he did, grinning sheepishly and that his classmates had talked about it. I took that opportunity to tell him that some of the info he gets from them will be wrong and that if he has questions about anything he could come to me. And then we continued on our merry way. I did not make a big deal out of it, I call the body parts what they are, and I explain what we believe in our house and what the expectation is.

Arm them with knowledge, I say!!

[Amanda]

Well, I haven't had to have this conversation yet, since connor's only 3, but I do remember very well the first time my mom and I had the talk. Actually it started as a "where do babies come from" vhs that she rented from the library when she was pregnant with my baby brother. The video was horrific, I just remember a lot of screaming(i didn't scream during delivery, i don't know why this lady was. it just wastes energy that you need.) and a lot of slime. But it took care of what happens as a baby grows inside mommy and how baby gets out of there. Then a few years later, I think i was 10 or so, my mom locked me in the bathroom with her while she was getting ready to go to a wedding and explained the mechanics of what happens when a man and a woman have sex. She didn't call it "making love" or anything else, it was sex. She told me that sometimes it hurts, and that if you don't want it it will hurt, and that if I ever think I might want to have sex to let her know so that she could get me on birth control. The door was always open between us, if there were ever questions, I could ask without her judging me. I think that her approach, while a bit vivid, was the best. She never judged. When I was 16 she put me on birth control because I was in a 'long term' relationship and because you very rarely plan your first time, and it's better to be prepared and not have it happen then not be prepared and end up pregnant. She said it was so she could sleep better at night, NOT a permission slip for me to go out and have sex.

As for when my brothers came to that age when the talk was necessary, my mom bought a box of condoms and handed them to my dad and said "go do your thing. bond with your boy, explain sex, and make sure he doesn't blow these up into little balloon animals." LOL! At this point, all of us children are over the age of 16 and while she isn't giving a permission slip, she'd rather we all be safe, so she keeps condoms in the bathroom and checks to make sure they aren't empty. I don't know how I'll handle the sex talk when its time to with connor, but I can only hope that I can create the relationship that my parents have with myself and my brothers so that my son never feels like he has to worry.